Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

5/11/15, Lovable

Posted on May 11, 2015

Hi Everyone,

You know my love for and fascination with words. The words ‘love’ and ‘hope’ always resonate for me, and for most of us. But ‘lovable’ is a word I discovered later in life, and never realized the importance of it for a long time. We talk about being loved (by someone), or loving someone or something. We LOVE ice cream, chocolate, sunny days, vacations, (shoes!!), our friends, our children, and hopefully the person we are married to or dating. We tell people how LOVED they are. We talk about certain people being very LOVING. But we seldom talk about, or think about being LOVABLE. And that’s a real stumbling block for some. We want to be loved, who doesn’t—–but do we believe, truly believe, in the depths of our gut, that we are lovable? Do we believe that we are lovable, and worthy of being loved? We focus on our flaws, and sometimes our loved ones are quick to remind us what they are, we don’t do this or that right, we forget to take out the garbage, lock the front door, or walk the dog. We make a mess here and there. Some of us come from deeply critical families, whose favorite sport is tearing others apart, or comparing us unfavorably to others. Unhappy mates tell us everything that’s wrong with us, and blame us for what goes wrong in a relationship. We don’t do as well as we plan to in life, didn’t get the promotion we want, or don’t feel we are paid enough (and make less money than our sister, husband/wife, best friend or neighbour). We haven’t had a date in 6 months or a year, or our boyfriend/girlfriend dumped us, or we got divorced. And what that all adds up to is that somewhere in our heart of hearts, we feel unlovable: undeserving of the love we want and hope for and need to thrive. We secretly believe we are second rate, or tenth rate, or no rate, and everyone else seems lovable, but us. » read more »

4/6/15, Fascinating Dinner

Posted on April 6, 2015

Hi Everyone,

I hope that you’re all doing okay, and that all is well with you.

I had a truly fascinating evening recently, and wanted to share it with you. I was invited to a Shabbat Dinner, (a Sabbath dinner) by friends in Paris. They introduced me to their Sabbath dinners a few years ago, and they give them almost every Friday. I’d never been to one before and didn’t know what to expect the first time, and didn’t think much about it before I went. What I found was a really interesting group of people, of all ages, and the atmosphere was lively, warm, enthusiastic, relaxed, congenial. It was a gathering of all ages, many religions, all walks of life. The friends that do these evenings are a lawyer (she), a cardiologist and researcher (he), and they had friends from their own professions, other lines of work, their children, their children’s friends, their friends’ children. The evening began on a religious note as they lit the candles, said a prayer, chanted a prayer, broke bread and sipped wine (no different from our Christian traditions), and then everyone dug into delicious food and engaged in long, interesting conversations about politics, literature, art, film making, and a million subjects. It is a treat to be invited to their Shabbat dinners, and I look forward to it, every time. I’ve been to 3 or 4 of them now, and it’s a privilege to be invited, and I am always intrigued to see who will be there from their grab bag of friends, colleagues, and young people. And the most recent dinner of theirs that I went to was a knock out, and incredibly eclectic. I love the way they gather people around them, regardless of religion, and one feels warmly welcomed, whatever one’s traditions. (What a contrast to the Catholic traditions I grew up with, with quiet Friday night dinners, and always a meal of fish which I hated, although I loved my religion. But I hated the fish, always felt sick from it, and years later, discovered I was allergic to it). At my friends’ Shabbat dinners, the food is plentiful and varied, Italian, Thai, exotic, hearty, roast beef, many choices, and a huge array of delicious, irresistible, and fattening desserts!!! Even the food is joyful at their table, and everything seems happy. To some degree, although I’ve never been to a Shabbat dinner, other than theirs, I think the evening and the combination of people, interesting mix, and long hours of conversation are more likely to happen in France than in the States. The only thing all the guests have in common at their dinners is that everyone is French, probably not by intention, it just happens that way.

The other thing that always strikes me at their dinners is how seriously educated their guests are, and the variety of jobs they have. My own friends seem to be in business, some in the arts, doctors, lawyers, and have pretty human scale jobs. But their friends are in fields that I never even think of. This time I sat between a nuclear scientist and researcher, whose intellectual capacity is out in the stratosphere somewhere compared to mine, although he was very nice, and he’s married to a school teacher. On my other side was a man who sells gold, the man next to him is the head of all cultural radio in France, there were a film maker, a screen writer, a politician of some kind, several lawyers, the age range was from 2 weeks of age (the hosts just had a baby, their 4th child) to 87 years old, with a group of young people at the far end from 17 to 22, two of them law students (the hosts’ older children). Two birthdays were celebrated, 17 and 87. And all the ages and professions and groups were mixed, and it struck me as I looked down the table of 14 or 16 people, that there were two Catholics I knew of including me, two Muslims, and most of the others were Jewish. We all stood respectfully for the lighting of the candles and chanted prayers, as the baby passed from one set of arms to another, amidst the lively discussions around the table, and as always, the table was crowded with platters of delicious food, Mediterranean, Italian, Greek, roast beef and potatoes. There is something for everyone at their table in terms of religions, personalities, interests, careers, and even food (and way too many delicious cakes, and I tried at least three of them).

The star of the show for me was a tiny woman (I’m 5 feet 1, and she was several inches shorter than I), with bright red hair, a lively personality, she strode into the room looking lively and attractive, bursting with energy, and I guessed her to be about 70, and discovered when we celebrated her birthday later that she was 87, that day. She is a documentary film maker, still busy in her career, just released a new movie, and published a new book, and I found her instantly fascinating as I listened to her at dinner. She was as sharp as a tack, and one of the livelier participants at the table, she had style and energy and a magnetic personality. And listening to her, I discovered that she survived 4 of the worst concentration camps during the war, is a well-known personality, and has made some important documentary films, and was married to a film maker. She was mesmerizing as she talked, and showed us the number tattooed on her arm at one point. She spoke without hesitation or artifice, there was nothing arrogant about her, and listening to her life experiences, especially during the war, was riveting. I have no idea how she survived what she did, and remained whole, alive, full of energy and life. Her family had been decimated by the camps and the war years. Our hostess gave all of us her latest book, which I read the next day, in awe of what she survived in the camps, and how she survived it and demonstrated the strength of the human spirit then and throughout her life. Her book was incredibly touching and poignant, and I was filled with admiration for this woman whom time has not touched, but has been through so much in one lifetime. I felt truly honored to meet her and talk to her.

The dinner ended long after one o*clock, and as always was warm, fascinating, touching. I will long remember the tiny red haired, ageless, timeless woman, so full of life and talent, with a spirit that nothing has destroyed. And once again, I went home feeling so lucky to be included in such a special evening, and to meet so many talented, bright people I would never have met otherwise. And then I went back to my own real life, filled with more ordinary pursuits, and less unusual people. What a blessing to share an evening like that, and come home richer for it. And I will be forever haunted by the film maker’s book about her experiences. I felt humbled by it, and all of those around me. It was, once again, an amazing evening, which I won’t forget. It was a rare night, filled with special people of varied and extraordinary talents. And I felt so lucky to be a part of it……

have a great week!! love, Danielle

3/2/15, Robin Roberts

Posted on March 2, 2015

Hi Everyone,

If you’re in the East of the US, I hope you’re staying warm!!! After 80 degree weather in LA last week, I ‘breezed’ through New York for a few days, and it was bone chillingly cold, and felt Arctic to me. I had forgotten how cold that can be!!!

But despite the freezing weather, I had a wonderful experience in New York. Several times, I have had the privilege and pleasure of being on Good Morning America, being interviewed by Robin Roberts. Once in a while, you meet a special person, who really makes a deep impression, and you know you are in the presence of a truly lovely human being, beautiful both inside and out. And Robin Roberts is one of those rare, rare people. I knew it the first time we met on the show, beautiful, gracious, elegant in style and spirit, compassionate, wise, modest, kind, intelligent, charming, poised. There are never enough adjectives to describe her. She is one of those rare, rare interviewers who totally highlights her guest, puts a favorable spotlight on them, and does nothing to put herself forward. She makes you feel like a very, very special person, and you float away after the show with a warm glow, dazzled by her.

I was immensely relieved to see that she looks better than ever, after her illness, which she battled courageously. She looked fantastic, was adorable, and actually makes the interview fun—–which isn’t always the case for me, in fact never is with other interviewers, because I’m very shy and interviews and live TV always scare me silly. But not with Robin. With Robin, they are a treat, and actually fun to do with her. I was on the show to talk about my new book in hardcover, Prodigal Son, and we talked about it, and then talked about my career more generally, my children, fashion, and the fact that three of my daughters are fashion consultants and stylists. And they even showed two of my fashion ‘adventures’, a couple of really odd things I bought a long time ago. It gave us a good laugh. And once again, I floated off the show after talking to her, and she lit up my whole day, and I know I’ll remember the interview for a long time, as I do all the others. So many interviewers want to challenge you, put you on the spot, embarrass you, and catch you out, Robin just wants to celebrate your accomplishments and share them with her viewers, and it becomes a positive experience for all, the guest, the audience, and hopefully for Robin too. She gives so much of herself to making the guest feel comfortable and at ease, and good about themselves, and look good to the world. I can never thank her enough or the wonderful experience it is being on the show with her.

I had to be at the show at 8 am, and leave my hotel at 7:30 am to do so. I got up at 3:30 am, the hairdresser and make-up artist came to my hotel at 4 am to get me ready, and then we set out in the freezing cold to be driven to the show, where you’re given a dressing room to wait for your time to come on. I am always very, very, very nervous before the show, but once I’m on with Robin, the time flies, and it’s over before you know it. I had a busy day after that. But what a wonderful morning, and what a gift to see Robin again….I would get up even earlier to be on with her, or skip sleep entirely…..I always feel so lucky, blessed and privileged when I see her, and am a guest on the show, interviewed by her. What a very, very special human being she is!!! I wish her every happiness for all the joy she gives to so many. And I feel lucky to know her. And when you see her on Good Morning America, know that, yes, she is every bit as lovely and nice as she seems on the show—–even more so in real life!!! It is an honor to know her.

love, Danielle

2/9/15, Happy Hearts!!!

Posted on February 9, 2015

Hi Everyone,

I’ve been whipping through various cities, all of them freezing cold, and some of them buried in snow. I love snow until it gets messy, and this is the time of year when we’re all a little tired of winter and gray weather, but spring still seems like it’s a long way off in most places. And this time of year is always a good time for me to work. And I’ve been busy at my desk, writing and editing.

I suddenly realized that Valentine’s Day is only days away, which I always face with a little trepidation, sweet memories, and a bit of hope. I have a sweet piece I wrote in the February issue of Harper’s Bazaar this month, about when my husband John, (father of eight of my nine children, whom I was married to for 17 years) proposed to me on Valentine’s Day. I’d have to say that that was my best Valentine’s Day, with the most successful results (despite the divorce 17 years later, we stayed very close in spite of it). And we shared some great Valentine’s Days in between. And my husband after that filled a hotel room with roses and rose petals on Valentine’s Day, and we were married 6 weeks later, and we remain very close and good friends too. So I really can’t complain. Two great Valentine’s Days in one lifetime is a pretty good score, even if the other Valentine’s Days were not quite as romantic or exciting, and sometimes downright dull. One of my daughters, who is currently not involved with anyone, said the other day with a look of disgust, “It’s a stupid day, designed to make us feel awful and like losers if we don’t have a boyfriend”. She has a point there too. It’s a day when those of us who are not in relationships stick out like rocks in a stream, as the waters flow around us. I told you several years ago in a blog about the year Valentine’s Day fell on a Sunday and I went to church, where the priest asked everyone in couples to stand up so the rest of us could applaud them, and they handed each couple two roses, while the rest of us slunk out of church alone and empty handed, even more depressed than when we came in. No roses for the ‘losers’!!! I complained to the priest afterwards and said that we should have gotten the roses to make us feel better, the couples had each other. But on Valentine’s Day, the world celebrates lovers, and the rest of us eat chocolates we buy ourselves as consolation. It’s an easy day to feel sorry for ourselves if our love life isn’t as we wish it would be. And let’s face it, EVERY year can’t be romantic, and a lot of men think Valentine’s Day is silly, and don’t always pay adequate homage to it, in their wives’ and girlfriends’ opinions. So don’t feel totally alone if your man/or woman doesn’t make a big deal of it. Personally, I love Valentine’s Day, with the right person, in the right circumstances. If not, well, that’s how it is, this year, but not necessarily forever. There’s always next year, which may be a whole lot better, and just as you wish!!! Dreams DO come true!!

I hope your Valentine’s Day is lining up as a real winner, with wonderful surprises in store, maybe even a proposal, or at least a romantic evening!!! I am buried in work at the moment, so I have a feeling that mine will involve me and a box of chocolates at my desk, but you never know. Prince Charming may be lurking out there somewhere, if he isn’t at home watching sports on TV. I have a busy week ahead before that, with a business trip to visit some of the big distributors of my books. It’s something I’ve never done before, but a good thing to do, to meet the people who make a big difference in my work life, and work hard for me, even though we never see each other. So I thought it was a good time to get out there, meet them, and say thank you. So many people are part of the process before my books actually reach you. Editors, publishers, wholesalers, distributors, bookstore owners, supermarket chains, shippers, truckers, printers, book binders, the art departments who come up with the covers, PR people. The list of those involved is dizzying, and I rarely have an opportunity to meet any of them, or thank them. So I’m taking a couple of days to do it. It’s new for me, exciting, and a little scary to get out in the big world, and meet new people as part of the business process. It’s a lot easier staying cozily at home, in a couple of warm ratty old sweaters or my nightgown, at my desk, writing the books for you. That’s the fun part for me. But it seems appropriate to thank some of the people involved, that neither you nor I ever see, but are an important part of the process too.

I was reading some of your responses to my blogs the other day, and some of what you wrote moved me to tears. It means so much to me to know that the books are meaningful to you, that they helped you in some way, and resonated, or that you just had fun with them and enjoyed them. And although I can’t answer all the comments, please please know how much they mean to me and touch me. I am sooooooo very grateful for your support, your kindness, your loyalty, and your very generous words. Writing a book is a very solitary process, you pull the story out of your head, and the feelings out of your gut and heart, weave it all together, and spend a long time writing, re-writing and polishing it, and send it out in the atmosphere like a balloon floating through the skies, and hope that it lands in the right hands, of someone who will care about it, and love it, and that it will have meaning to. It touches me deeply and means the world to me to know that the books mean a lot to you too.

There are a lot of other options to reading books these days, far more than there used to be, most of them on the Internet. You can watch movies at home, send photos on Instagram, tweet, watch funny videos, play video games, or look for the love of your life on Internet dating. Or just hang out at home, watch TV, or play with your dog. People don’t read as much as they used to, so your reading the books is very important to me, given all the other distractions we all have. And the world is serious business these days, with drama happening every time we turn on the news. I still love relaxing, and even escaping, with a good book, and I’m glad and grateful that you do too!!! And I’m very, very grateful that you read mine.

So I hope that this Valentine’s Day will be the best one ever for you—–full of romance and roses and chocolates, and hopefully dinner with someone you’re crazy about. And if not, there is always next year!!! Life is so full of wonderful surprises, that’s the best part of it, you never know what’s going to happen, and even if you’re watching TV alone at home this year, you may be madly in love with someone fantastic next year. You really never know what life has in store, at any age or stage of life, and something wonderful may be just around the corner. And please know that whatever happens, wherever you are, year after year, you are my Best Valentine every year!!!!

with all my love, Danielle

12/29/14, Whew, We Made It!

Posted on December 29, 2014

Hi Everyone,

I’ve been thinking about you over the holidays, hoping that all was going well for you, and that your holidays went smoothly, and weren’t difficult, too challenging, or disappointing. I hope they were fun, even better than you hoped. And I hope that Santa was good to you!!

I had a lovely Christmas with my kids, short but very sweet. We came from as far away as 6,000 miles (me, from Paris), to be together. Three of my younger kids flew out from New York, one from Chicago, one from LA, others were already in California. With a family this size, it’s a major feat to get everyone together. And everything went according to plan. I am always particularly grateful when none of us get snowed in somewhere. Two years ago, my plane was the last flight out of Paris in a snow storm, and 2 days later, mine was the last flight out of New York in another snowstorm, before they closed the airport. But I made it home that year too. This time of year, the weather can be dicey, and with 4 of them flying in from the East Coast, I was relieved once everyone got home. And I always cut it very close, as I am with one daughter in New York every year on her birthday on December 18th, and the next day, I fly back to California for a holiday party I give. I haven’t missed it yet, but it could happen. Anyway, I made it home on time this year.

The time we actually spend ALL together has gotten very short: we were only all here for 3 days together this year, which doesn’t leave much margin for error. It doesn’t leave time to catch up if you have a bad day, miss a flight, or have a headache. But I am enormously grateful that they still all come home despite busy lives, demanding jobs, living in other cities, and significant others who are welcome to spend the holidays with us, but often need or want to be somewhere else. So I’m sure that my kids feel pulled, wanting to be home with me and their brothers and sisters, and wanting to be with their partners too. We had a lunch for Santa and little children. Another lunch for the people who work for me, which was a lot of fun. And we always have a family dinner on Christmas Eve, which is the high point of our Christmas together. We go to the same children’s mass first, in the same church where we have gone since they were born. There are lots of little children, and everyone sings Christmas carols, and then we come home for dinner. Our table used to be full with all nine kids, and my children’s father always joined us, even once we were no longer married. He was an important part of our Christmas celebrations. My three oldest married children no longer join us on Christmas Eve, and have dinner at their own homes that night, or with their in laws, so our ranks have been thinned out. Their father, and my late son Nick are no longer with us, and we feel their absence sharply that night. So that night, I have dinner with the 5 younger of my children, and their significant others when they’re around, if they have any. Santa still drops in for a visit, and everyone tells him what they want for Christmas. And at the end of dinner we play The White Elephant game (we play it at my staff Christmas luncheon too. I got a first aid kit this year and love it). It’s a funny game, everyone brings a gift, and we put them in a pile. Each person selects a gift, and you’re allowed to ‘steal’ it twice from someone else if you like it. And the gifts can get pretty outrageous. My youngest son flatly refused to give up his Chewbacca back pack last year (he swore he was going to wear it to work!!). I got a somewhat naughty Santa sweater this year at our family dinner, and managed to hang onto it, and I wore it on Christmas Day!! We had fun playing the game, played Christmas music, and enjoyed being together. And the challenge for me that night is remembering how grateful I am for my children around the table, and not thinking back to those who are no longer with us, and when our Christmas table was loud and boisterous, with many more people around it, John, Nick, and my older children. I have to force my mind to the present, and focus on now, and not remember the happy times when they were all little kids. These holidays together are precious too, and happy, even if everyone is grown up now.

On Christmas morning, we open presents and hang around together in pajamas, we have lunch around the kitchen table, eating left overs from the night before. And at 6pm, EVERYONE comes home for a Christmas night dinner, my older married kids, the younger children, and even some of their in laws, and little children. It’s a busy, loud, boisterous dinner that night, more like the old days. And I totally envied one of my daughters in law, who arrived for dinner beautifully dressed, but her feet hurt so much after countless holiday parties, so she wore her bedroom slippers: the cozy fleece lined kind—-I wanted to rip them right off her feet and put them on. She was the only woman in the room whose feet didn’t hurt, tottering in high heels, after days of celebrations!!! It was a really nice dinner, and everyone had a good time.

Christmas ended quickly this year, with all of them having pulls in their own life now. My youngest married daughter wanted to be at home with us, but her husband didn’t come, so she left at 5am on Christmas morning, to fly back to New York, and have Christmas dinner with him. She managed to keep everyone happy, him, and the family, and sacrificed herself getting up at 4am on Christmas Day and spending the day on the plane. Another daughter left at 6am the day after Christmas, to join her boyfriend and his family on a trip. So it was a beautiful holiday, but the time together was short. They used to spend a week or two at home over Christmas, and we had the luxury of time together. Now, it was all over in three days. But they were three wonderful days. I can’t complain when they make such a huge effort to get home at all, and it was wonderful to be together. As one of my friends reminds me regularly when I think or talk about the past. “That was then, this is now”. And she’s right. And now was wonderful this year, even if the time we spend together is short. They make a huge effort to be here at all.

I got lovely presents from all of them, and tried hard to find things they like. The girls love to get clothes, and with three of them working in fashion, it is REALLY hard to find things that the designers they work for didn’t design, they didn’t design themselves, or haven’t seen for 6 to 9 months before they appeared in the stores. But I think everyone was happy with what they got. I always love the sentimental stuff, a pillow with “Momma” embroidered on it, and a little gold bracelet with “Momma” on it, a wonderful carved book from one son, (a box made of typewriter keys!!), a beautiful bracelet from two daughters who teamed up, and a delicate ring that spells out the word “Mom”, and shoes are always a winner with me, and I got some great ones!! (pink suede flats, red high heels, black flats with sparkles on them, sandals with wooden soles for the summer, ‘camouflage’ flats—-I love shoes and they all know it!!!). And I got a beautiful little portrait of my little blue gray Chihuahua, “Blue”, who is Minnie’s baby sister. (I already have a lovely portrait of Minnie!!)

So we made it through, it was a lovely, warm, loving holiday. We will always remember those who are no longer here, and feel their absence. But the good times buoy our spirits and outweigh the losses…..and as my friend says, That was Then, this is Now. And it was a lovely Christmas this year, they were home for a few days, and I cherish my time with them. I hope your holidays were good too….and they are behind us now. We can look ahead to the New Year. And for the first time ever, I’ve decided not to do anything on New Year’s Eve. I don’t like going out that night, my children are all busy or away. None of the invitations I got felt right, many of my close friends are away. So I’m going spend it at my typewriter, and work right through. It feels like the perfect way to spend New Year’s Eve this year…..writing!!! Have a wonderful New Year’s Eve, and be careful if you’re driving or on the road. And I wish you a fantastic new year, of health, peace, prosperity and happiness. May all your wishes and dreams come true in the new year!! (and mine too!!)

I send you all my love, Danielle

12/8/14, Courage and Accountability

Posted on December 8, 2014

Hi Everyone,

You’re probably running around as I am right now, trying to get organized for the holidays. Thanksgiving was wonderful, and I was very grateful that all my children came home, flew home, and so did I, so we could be together, only for a couple of days, but seeing them was a great gift, and always is.

I love reading your comments and responses to my blog too. It was interesting to see that one reader was very upset that several people died at the beginning of my book “Winners”, and another reader responded to her. (I wish I could respond to everyone, but it’s hard to do, but I am grateful for everything you say, and take it to heart). It was unfortunate that the unhappy reader didn’t read on through the book. The whole point of that book is that we can be faced with some incredibly tough situations, hang on, and persevere through them, and triumph in the end. It’s not easy to do, and it takes a great deal of courage. In ‘Winners”, all the main characters in the book have suffered some kind of really tough blow or loss. The central character, a young girl on the Olympic ski team suffers a spinal cord injury in an accident and becomes a paraplegic, which ends her dreams of ‘winning the gold’. The surgeon who operates on her loses her husband the night she operates on the young skier. Another character is a breast cancer survivor and her husband divorced her while she was going through treatment. And another character has lost his career, his money, and his wife (his wife leaves him when his professional life falls apart). And ALL of these people find strength in one way or another, inspired by the courage of the young skier, as she faces her challenges and wins remarkably in the end (and there are many brave people like her in real life). In many ways, it’s a very inspiring book by the end, so I’m sorry that the discontented reader didn’t persevere and get to the uplifting part, which is the whole point of the book. Sometimes the good things in life come at a high price. And I have always liked a quote that I have framed on my wall behind my desk. “Courage is not the absence of fear or despair, but the strength to conquer them”. And another quote I love “Courage is the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good”. The woman who originally said that is Dorothy Thompson, an American journalist in Germany in the 1930’s right before the war. I try very hard to ENcourage people with what I write, not DIScourage them. We get enough of that, and can all use encouragement to face the tough stuff in our lives. Sometimes you have to keep reading, keep going and keep living to get to better times!!! And as Winston Churchill said, “Never, never, never, never give up!!!” which is an inspiration too. I was very fortunate to know Christopher Reeves, the actor who suffered a terrible horseback riding accident, and had a severe spinal cord injury as a result. (He played Superman in the movies). He was one of the bravest, most inspiring, most extraordinary people I ever met, and an amazing example of what people can do, faced with terrible challenges. He was gracious, upbeat, and totally remarkable, and was wonderful even after his accident. And people like him, and others I know, inspired my book “Winners”. The people in the book really are winners, and each one finds a way to triumph in the end.

I was thinking about something today which is what I was going to write to you about, because it was on my mind. Accountability. Being accountable for our actions. It always amazes me how some people just aren’t. And we are half of that equation if we don’t hold people accountable, and don’t expect them to be responsible for what they do. I am always torn by a contradiction on that subject, because I’m religious, and I think forgiveness is important. Not forgiving those who hurt us, whether or not we keep them in our lives, is a heavy burden to carry. And in the Bible when someone asked “how many times must we forgive someone?” the response is 70 times 7. Yikes!!! That’s 490 times. Do I really have to forgive someone 490 times??? That’s a tall order. But I have leaned more toward forgiving people in my life than making them accountable for their actions. You don’t have to stay mad, and shouldn’t, but people really do need to be responsible for their actions. And some people appear to be oblivious to any kind of accountability for what they do to others. There is someone in my life who hurt me very badly many years ago, and I chose the route of forgiveness, and took the higher road. But quite amazingly that same person surfaces from time to time, even regularly, wanting favors from me. I debate about it, and have often decided to be generous about it, and lend a hand. And damn if that person doesn’t take advantage of me EVERY time. Maybe some people just can’t help it. I don’t make an issue of it, but I wind up mad at myself for giving that person another chance they just don’t deserve. They just surfaced again, wanting me to do something I really didn’t want to do, and FINALLY, I just said no. I explained why, nicely, but I’m not going to be taken advantage again. It really is time to set firm boundaries in that case and say no. And predictably, they were furious at me, and quite incensed. I’ve been a good sport for too long, and I think it was a shock to finally hear me say no, I wasn’t going to play that game anymore, where I wind up being and feeling used and taken advantage of. And people who do that seem to be quite shameless about it; it’s all about them and what they want. I thought about it after my firm no, and wondered if I was being unkind or uncharitable, and suddenly realized that no, I finally made that person accountable for their actions of the past. It was long, long overdue, and in the end it was a good feeling. I needed to respect and protect myself. Some people do not improve with time, and if we don’t stop them, they use us again and again and again. I was very proud of myself for making them accountable, not angrily, not meanly, but it was the appropriate response. It has taken me a long time to get there. Some of us learn that lesson slower than others. Accountability is really important in any situation and relationship. We’re all sloppy about that at times, no one is perfect, but we need to be accountable for our actions, and expect the same from others. It was actually a REALLY good feeling, not to let someone take advantage of me again!!! And all it took was a simple, firm, heartfelt No. I wish I’d learned that lesson sooner!!!

And as you go along in these busy weeks, getting ready for the holidays, if you celebrate them—–I hope that all is going well for you!!! I’m always aware that it’s not an easy time of year, but I hope these holidays will be gentle for you!!!

love, danielle

12/1/14, How Little We Know

Posted on December 1, 2014

Hi Everyone,

I hope Thanksgiving went well for you, and turned out as you wished.

The Sunday before Thanksgiving, I went to a famous church in San Francisco, Glide Memorial, which is a free form protestant/Christian experience, a church where the founder and pastor is an extraordinary man, Reverend Cecil Williams, and their extensive charitable foundations are run by his exceptionally wonderful wife, Janice Mirikatani. The music there is fabulous, and is Gospel with a large musical ensemble, the message is flawless and calls us to put our actions where our Faith is. It really spoke to me when he said that we wait for God to act on our behalf, but maybe God is waiting for us to act, to demonstrate our faith. I liked that a lot, and he urged us not to Talk Love, but to Live it. I took friends from Europe there, and I always come out of that church feeling terrific and full of energy and renewed faith. Glide is exceptional because they have countless programs for the poor and homeless, education, health and housing programs, detox, and an amazing free meal program, where they serve close to 900,000 free meals a year, lunch and dinner. Cecil and his wife Janice are truly an inspiration!! It got my Thanksgiving week off to a great start, and as he said, the emphasis should be on Giving.
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10/27/14, Another Star in the Heavens

Posted on October 27, 2014

Hi Everyone,

I hope that all is okay with you.

For someone who has claimed until this summer that I’ve never lost a friend, who died, (although sadly, I know many young people, contemporaries of my children, who died tragically young, including my own son)—-but on that score, this has not been a good summer or fall. Friends have been falling at a rapid rate. And even more shocking, some of them are people of SUCH UNIMAGINABLY IMMENSE TALENT. Robin Williams two months ago, another friend this summer in Paris, and now Oscar de la Renta, the famous dress designer. In Mr. de la Renta’s case, it was not entirely unexpected as he has fought a valiant battle with cancer for the past several years. But repeatedly, he seemed to conquer the illness and continued to create, see friends, be present, and then he would win another round against the disease. He was a remarkable man in a myriad ways. And I realize as I look back, that I’ve known Oscar for about 30 years, and met him sometime in the 80’s when he was widowed, and before he married his lovely present wife Annette, who is herself the epitome of fashion. And I had heard last week through a mutual friend that Oscar wasn’t doing well, and was finally losing the battle with cancer, after several years. So I wasn’t entirely surprised when I heard the sad news. » read more »

10/13/14, Wise Words

Posted on October 13, 2014

Hi Everyone,

I hope that all is going well for you, as we slide into the fall, from September into October.
Two friends sent me some wonderful words in the last couple of weeks that I wanted to share with you. Both of these sayings really touched me.

One is a Chinese ‘precept’, which a good friend sent to me, about money, and what it can and can’t buy, and was such a good reminder.
“Money can buy a house, but not a home.
It can buy a bed, but not sleep.
It can buy a clock, but not time.
It can buy a book, but not knowledge.
It can buy a position, but not respect.
It can pay for a doctor, but not buy health.
It can buy blood, but not life.
It can pay for sex, but not love”.

And the other words that touched me were from a Jewish friend, who shared the Yom Kippur prayer with me during the recent holiday.
“To those I may have wronged,
I ask forgiveness.
To those I may have helped,
I wish I had done more.
To those I neglected to help,
I ask for understanding.
To those who helped me,
I sincerely thank you.”

I love both of those so much, and the people who sent them to me. And you, my beloved readers, always help me with your kind words and support. So as the prayer says, I sincerely thank you.

with much love, danielle

8/18/14, Real Life

Posted on August 18, 2014

Hi Everyone,

Serious Moment. It happens sometimes. And life lessons.

On a foggy Saturday morning in San Francisco recently, after a long night of writing, just back from Paris, my phone and computer came alive at 6 am. Emails, messages, texts, calls, with the totally unbelievable news that a close friend in Paris had died, the husband of one of my very close women friends. The first thing I saw was an email that gave his first name and said he had died. I only know one person by that name, but immediately rejected that possibility….it couldn’t be him….too young….I saw him only a few weeks ago….we’re all having dinner in a few weeks….not him…I tried to figure out who else I knew by that name. I opened the email and saw his wife’s name, and I felt as though an entire mountain had come crashing down on me. It was indeed the close friend which my mind flatly refused to believe could have died. » read more »

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