8/14/17, Filling the Void
I hope you’re all fine, and enjoying these last weeks of summer. By this point, midway in August, I always feel like it’s the countdown til the end of summer, and most of the time I’m ready for that to happen. Kids will be going back to school in a week or two, or leaving for college, most vacations are over, and we get our motors revved up, to pick up speed and head into fall. I’m definitely thinking that way, as I have a busy fall ahead for the next few months.
One of you who sent in a comment to the blog brought up a REALLY good point, two in fact, which I thought I’d address here. She mentioned that she lives far from her family, doesn’t have children of her own, and that it’s difficult maintaining friendships once friends have children, and become busy with parenting. She said it makes her feel like an outsider, because she doesn’t have kids of her own. And I can really understand that. Actually, it’s been a subject that has come up a lot recently with my children. The four oldest are married and have children now, and the four youngest aren’t and don’t have kids. With so many kids of my own, I get to see the problems which arise in each age group. And my four youngest have talked a lot recently about how hard it is for them to still connect with their friends who are married and starting to have babies. It has also made me aware of my own behaviours in the past. As most of you have figured out, I’m crazy about my kids and somewhat ‘obsessed’ with them. I realize now that for years and years, I would sit at dinner parties and must have bored my dinner partners to extinction with stories about how adorable my children were, and what cute things they did lately—which I found fascinating, and the person I sat next to most probably didn’t (Oh ughkkk….here comes that woman again who only talks about her kids. It was my favorite subject). I thought they were so cute, and they were, but I probably bored everyone to death (and maybe still do). And now I listen to other people’s stories about their kids, and most of the time, I could fall asleep with boredom about how cute they looked yesterday, how brilliant when they said “Daaa…” and how hysterically funny when they tried to comb their hair with a spoon. Uhhh yeah….but not THAT cute. And nowadays to make it worse, they whip out their phone and show you 785 photos taken just yesterday. I think MY kids are cute, but I have never been that enamored with other people’s children, whom I never thought were as cute as my own (and still don’t). People who have kids, particularly ‘new’ or very young kids, or babies, just don’t realize that people who don’t have children are just not that excited about hearing about the accomplishments of a 4 month old. (Let’s face it, eat, sleep, poop, smile occasionally, and for people who don’t have children, it’s just not that fascinating.) My children complain about it now, that their friends not only become gaga when they have kids, but they become inaccessible. They’re busy, they can hardly keep up, now they have their jobs AND a baby to deal with, they’re sleep deprived, not everyone can afford child care, so they drag the baby along to dinner, who may cry through an entire dinner, or make the evening a challenge. Once you start having children, it’s generally easier to hang out with other people having children, who are dealing with the same problems, and concerns, and time constraints.
So, what if you don’t have kids yet, and your friends do, and it makes you feel like an ‘outsider’, as the person who wrote to me said? For one thing, as new parents, people need to try and be a little bit aware and considerate, that your friends may not want to eat dinner with you at 4:30pm because it works with the baby’s schedule, may not necessarily enjoy an evening spent with your baby or 2 year old, and they still want some adult time with you, so they can talk, and not just play with the baby instead of have an adult conversation with you. I think new parents or any parents should ASK their friends if it’s okay to bring the baby/child, and not get all insulted when that doesn’t appeal.(Most people are not that keen on kids before they have their own. They ‘don’t get it’. And they don’t want their social interactions controlled by your nursing schedule, or the baby’s sleep needs. You have to remember, with people who don’t have kids, that they want to spend time with YOU, but maybe not with your baby or toddler, or even 5 year old. Try to get a sitter occasionally, so you can spend an evening with friends who don’t have kids, and may not want to spend an evening (or a weekend) with yours.
And for those who don’t have kids, I think we all need variety in our lives. And there are landmarks in life. A time will come for all young people when most, not all, of their friends will marry (or not) and start having kids. It’s a rite of passage and marks a new chapter in time, for those parents, and also for their friends who aren’t there yet (and may never want to be). If possible, it’s nice to have friends with partners, and single ones—-friends with kids, and friends without. It’s cozy sometimes to have a family evening with people—-and also fun to be out with single pals. You may want a ‘baby fix ‘ occasionally, and also to be with friends whose lives are still more similar to yours. Your friends with kids probably feel as left out as you do, remembering the good old days when they were free, had no responsibilities, and could go to a movie, or a bar, whenever they felt like it—-and could afford to. So for those of you who don’t have kids for now, and many of your friends do, try to have some single ones too, or who don’t have kids, so you can share the non-parental evenings you enjoy, and try to be patient with the ones who are tied down by kids now—-and they should be considerate about not forcing their children on you. But there is no question, their time is short with young kids, running to do everything, work, be a parent, and taking care of kids who just take up a lot of one’s time.
The other question the same person asked is once your kids grow up and leave home, how do you deal with the loneliness? Oh WOW!!! that is a big question, and a tall order, with a longggg answer. My whole life revolved around my kids for many, many years. I wrote at night when they were asleep, and eventually when they went to school, and the rest of the time, I was fully with them. They were my whole day, my life, and filled my life, usually in a good way, and sometimes in worrisome ways, when they had a problem or were sick. And as they left home, one by one, I felt a terrible void. I’m lucky to still have one daughter who lives at home, my youngest, but she is so busy and has such a full life that I barely see her, we kind of fly by each other in the hall, and most of the time when I’d love to have dinner with her, she’s busy. She’s in her 20’s, and having dinner with her mother is not her idea of fabulous entertainment. I didn’t want to spend time with my parents at her age either. I think the ’empty nest’ is a huge issue for most women, and even some fathers (most men seem to handle it better than women, and aren’t quite as devastated and bereft as we are). It is a huge gaping hole when your kids leave, and you suddenly realize that all those happy years of living with your children is behind you. And it whizzes by at jet speed. What did I do? I cried a lot, but I also tried to figure out what to do to fill some of the void. And I also made a big effort to see my kids whenever they could, and I still do. I fly around to see them every few weeks, but I’m lucky, I can take my work with me. Not everyone can, if you have a job that ties you to an office. My strongest suggestion to keep your life on the upswing is: get a job if you don’t have one. My work has always saved me from being seriously depressed, because it keeps me so busy. I started an art gallery when my kids started leaving for college, it was a fun, exciting project, and I loved it. The artists I represented became my children, and needed me. And art is one of my passions. But any kind of job will keep you busy. You need to fill the time you used to spend on them!! If you don’t need a job financially, do volunteer work in a field that interests you. Take up a hobby (I am terrible at that and don’t have any!! I either write or see my kids, no hobbies). Learn something: a language, cooking, photography, something. Take up a sport. My point is DO something. I don’t do well when I’m not busy, and my kids kept me so busy, that I get sad if I’m not busy. Get a dog. I now have 3, and I love them, ridiculous little Chihuahuas, but when I’m sad or feel lonely they cuddle up to me and make me laugh. Nothing will ever take the place of those happy years with your kids around full time—-but it’s also a chance to take care of yourself, to do things you haven’t had time to do for 20 years (like get a manicure or read a magazine, or a book!! Seriously), or paint your kitchen, or plant a garden, or see friends. I never had lunch with friends when my kids were young, no time. Now I do occasionally. You can travel (not my forte either, I don’t like to travel alone, and all my friends are married). But the key, I find, and it’s vital for me, is to keep myself busy. Writing fills my life wonderfully, but nothing replaces having kids still at home—-and I make a real effort to keep my time filled, or I would get really sad thinking about the kids no longer living at home. So that’s my advice. And work always does it for me!!! Once your kids leave, it’s much harder than most people give credit for. We all need to be needed, and suddenly no one needs you to cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner, don’t need to be picked up at school, or taken to soccer practice, or help with homework. It’s tough, but it IS survivable, if you keep busy!!! Do what YOU want to do. You have that opportunity now, it can be a really fun time in your life—indulge yourself, you gave to your kids for many many years, now give yourself some fun too!!
Have a great week!!! love, Danielle
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Wow. I loved your comment so much. It’s so timely. I had my children in my twenties. Prior to that, I was this hot young thing on the scene (LOL) but once I got married and had my first child, I stayed home with them.
I am a full time stay at home mom. I did return to work briefly, when my husband suffered an injury, and I loved it — but as soon as he was well again, he went right back to work (he couldn’t stand staying at home) and he just left me with having to depend on sitters and whatnot and it just got to be too much, so I chose to stay home again. 🙂
When everyone else was out partying and jet setting all over the world, I sat at home with my children.
We went on vacation and frequented various child friendly outlets like the zoo, parks, theme parks, the cinema or whatever and still do.
But, while I was taking my kids to Chuck E Cheese, Sesame Street Live and trying to survive sitting through every installment of Toy Story or whatever (I really enjoyed those films), no one in my circle wanted to be bothered with me. And, I had no problem with that.
Right now, my children are still in school but they’re in their early teens and tweens. So, they’re at that age where they are embracing their independence. And, I’m totally enjoying this new found freedom.
On the flip side, those jet setting PhD-J.D.-MBA-D.D.S.-M.D. graduate, parvenu-esque friends of mine are just now getting married and having kids at 35 and up.
Now, they are reaching out to me with their new babies and spouses, wanting to lunch and “hang out”. Um no. Just no. I think that is so selfish of them.
We are at different points in our lives now. Literally, on the opposite sides of the continuum. I sacrificed my prime years to be at home and raise my children. And, I am still raising them but at least they’re big now.
Someone is not talking to me right now because I didn’t invite her, dear hubs and their baby, of whom she is still nursing — to travel out of town with us to an amusement park — at the last minute.
Seriously, she just up and decided at a moments whim that she wanted to fly into town just to visit me. We haven’t been close for almost two years. With that said, I am always there for her, if she genuinely and truly needs me.
People just don’t respect you or your time, when you stay at home with your kids. I was expected to be indispensable to everyone since I “wasn’t working.” I’ve dealt with this my whole life and am still dealing with it.
I finally have the courage now to chase after my dreams, really pursue my interests and have some fun. Like, I could almost taste it.
Meanwhile, I will cherish this time I have with my children, they are growing up so fast. I plan on taking your advice to stay busy, once they’ve moved on. I love the arts, too!!!
Your words are so inspiring and helpful to me! Thank you so much for taking time to write. 🙂
Hi Danielle, I have read and re-read all your books. I have lost two sons, one at 29 and one at 25. You helped me get through it. Can you consider one request … here and there you use profanity, but it doesn’t read comfortably. It is like you want your characters to be more modern perhaps. For instance, you used this phrase – “you’re a shit influence of me. I don’t think it sounds natural. I think lately serious profanity is sneaking in to your later. You don’t need it because many of us do not use profanity even if we are successful. You are such a wonderful storyteller … please consider this.
Hi Danielle, I have read and re-read all your books. I have lost two sons, one at 29 and one at 25. You helped me get through it. Can you consider one request … here and there you use profanity, but it doesn’t read comfortably. It is like you want your characters to be more modern perhaps. For instance, you used this phrase – “you’re a shit influence on me. I don’t think it sounds natural. I think lately serious profanity is sneaking in to your later work. You don’t need it because many of us do not use profanity even if we are successful. You are such a wonderful storyteller … please consider this.
Happy Belated birthday, Danielle! I hope you have fun celebrations and a very happy and blessed year.
I hope you had a lovely birthday! Thank you for another good article. I’m really enjoying your recent books, and on hold for the ones that haven’t come out yet, from my library. I agree with you about all the photos and such on people’s phones nowadays, and not just of kids! I don’t really bother much with face book anymore, because I don’t need to see 9,000 photos of someone’s backyard!!!!! Anyway, to each his own! It’s a modern world! It’s hard to have adult children, I have 3, and 2 of them live in different states and are so busy, and it’s just plain hard to see them and I’m not a fan of driving solo long distances (but I do to see them). I guess we just do the best we all can! You are such an amazing mom!!!
Dear Danielle. I just want to wish you a happy birthdag, a little late…..
Thank you so much for your books. They are alle lovely.
Could I PLEASE have a signed photo of you ?
The best of love form
I’m not going to comment the post, instead I’m gonna tell you something I do:
I like to read and the only way for me to focus is with loud music in my years…hahaha…
So, when I read Mirror Image – Summer’s End – Five Days in Paris (my favorite of all) it was when the band Imagine Dragons was working with the song “Demons” and it makes me “link” one to the other.
So, if you want/remember, get of these book (I recommend Mirror Image) put the song I read some pages…they fit.
Not because of the lyrics or anything, but they do.